Fine, Reverend, Ill submit. But here are my new commandments...

By Bryony Gordon Published: 7:00AM GMT 16 Feb 2010

Rev Mark Oden last month called on the wives of his Kent congregation to submit to their men Photo: GETTY

Should you like a glimpse of what life was like in the Middle Ages, you could do worse than a visit to St Nicholas Church in Sevenoaks. There may not be bear-baiting or cockfighting, and thankfully the Black Death is no more, but the attitudes, particularly in regards to women, well, they are positively medieval.

In recent weeks, the clergy at St Nicholas have delivered a series of sermons that threaten to split the church. It all started with accusations that the rector, Rev Angus MacLeay, had handed out a leaflet which urged women to "remain silent" if "questions could legitimately be answered by their husbands".

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The matter was compounded when Rev Mark Oden last month called on the wives of the congregation to submit to their men. Their unwillingness to do this, he said, was partly to blame for the high divorce rates throughout the country. Women gasped; their husbands said: "pipe down love, and listen to what the man has to say (this last bit may or may not have happened). Unrepentant, Mr Oden delivered a Valentines Day sermon entitled "Marriage MoT", in which he conceded that his words "might not be palatable" but "we need to hear them". He insisted that he did not think women were "weaker intellectually". However, it was "an eternal principle that women are physically weaker than men."

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Mrs Oden has not made public her views on the debacle.

But the good clergymen of Stepford no, hang on, I mean Sevenoaks should be careful what they wish for. If they want us to submit, thats fine by me as long as they dont mind us living by the following commandments:

Thou shalt give up all property to your husband, Topshop frocks and all.

In the Middle Ages, the giving up of possessions happened in most marriages. So take my collection of Zara dresses, darling, and my 57 pairs of high heels. They might even suit you.

Thou shalt never have an opinion on anything.

At dinner parties, when your host asks what you think about David Camerons plans to cut the budget deficit, blush and giggle in a girlish manner. Say something along the lines of: "Gosh, I have absolutely no idea, but what I do know is that he wears really nice ties." Then retire to the kitchen to clear dishes and talk about fluffy kittens and curtain fabric.

Thou shalt never, ever utter the words "not tonight, darling Ive got a headache".

Provide sex on tap. In the morning, at night, and even during the day rock up at his office under the guise of providing him with some cookies you have baked and then lock him in the executive washroom. Exhaust him, until he realises that while he thinks about sex every ten seconds, he doesnt actually want to do it every ten seconds, the fool.

Thou shalt never be in a bad mood.

Thou shalt be happy, happy, happy, happy, even when the baby is crying and the dog has had an accident on the kitchen floor and the car alarm has gone off, all at the same time. Watch as husbands fury increases the more upbeat you become.

Thou shalt avoid all practical domestic chores.

Man is: carrier of things, changer of light bulbs, unblocker of lavatories, driver of cars, reader of maps, tuner of televisions, catcher of creepy crawlies, scrubber of steps, putter outer of rubbish bags, while woman sits looking pretty in marigolds, apron and full make-up.

Thou shalt not bring home the bacon.

I suppose if we are going to submit fully to the head of the house, then our menfolk wont be wanting us to go to work any more. Nor will we be expected to sort out the bills, the car insurance, or to contribute in any meaningful way. Fine. If thats what you really want, Reverend...