Should I tell anyone about the affair I had with my piano teacher 30 years ago?

By Lesley Garner Published: 7:00AM GMT twenty-three February 2010

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Alison"s predicament is identical to the story told by the movie An Education (above) Photo: REUTERS

Dear Lesley,

I am essay given I have only accomplished celebration of the mass your book, Life Lessons, and it has helped me to admit that I competence have a shortcoming to face.

Id identical to to hit my bieing born mother, but will it only dissapoint everyone? I had to renounce from my pursuit as Id proposed to feel bullied and sidelined. How can I move on? I instruct to move to New Zealand, but would it be vicious to leave my aged mom behind? "I have a illusory father but I fell in love with an additional man. How do I move on?" "You are never on the throw store when it comes to anticipating love"

Thirty years ago, I had an event with my piano teacher, that began when I was 16-years-old. We proposed complicated petting when I was 15, even though we didnt begin carrying full sex until I was 17. He was fifteen years comparison than me and seemed unequivocally sophisticated. Our attribute finished when I was 20.

He was a crony who came to the house, flattered my silent and additionally taught my sisters to fool around the piano. The reason this has resurfaced right away is that I have proposed to realize that my low-pitched potential, that I have been perplexing to work on again lately, has regularly been unfulfilled. Despite profitable this man for lessons, we outlayed the time together carrying sex. He never took my bent severely or speedy me musically in any way.

I never thought of what happened in in in between us as abusive, I thought of it as a relationship, so I have not oral to anybody about it for years. And I have had nobody I could plead it with anyway. I wouldnt contend that the event shop-worn me but I think I took on an adult purpose and shortcoming as well early given of him. Looking back, I instruct he had been the crony I indispensable at the time, rather than exploiting me sexually.

What do I do? I see he is still training at my old school. Should I go to the propagandize and discuss it them what happened? Do I symbol it down as experience? I would have a unequivocally tough time articulate to my sister or mom about this as they still think of him as a smashing chairman and would hatred me for revelation them about it.

In any case, I dont know if I can face revelation any one now. I did discuss it a solicitor a prolonged time ago but she seemed to think it was some-more of a attribute than abuse, as I was over the age of consent.

My quandary is this: do I have a shortcoming to do anything about it? Personally, I feel suffering rather than anger. What I got from it at the time was a clarity of specialness. With hindsight, I think that I deserved more. I deserved respect. Alison

Dear Alison,

I can assimilate that you feel suffering rather than annoy given your adult viewpoint is not unequivocally enmity you from an emotionally heated and unequivocally infirm duration of your life. So concede me to feel indignant for you. This was not a attribute in in in between equals. Whatever the captivate and chemistry in in in between you, this man was an adult in a on all sides of shortcoming and management over you. He was additionally married, so the complacency of his mother and the state of his matrimony was at stake. He had positively no commercial operation following up any kind of passionate attribute with you, an fresh and exposed girl. I know that girls of sixteen can appear unequivocally flirtatious, grown up and tantalizing but it is the purpose of the adult, generally in the on all sides of a teacher, to know improved and keep the bounds up. And, incidentally, it is right away a rapist offence, underneath the passionate offences act, for a clergyman to have an event with a student underneath the age of 18.

As I review your comment of how he seduced you and beguiled your family, I was reminded of Lynn Barbers story of a identical relationship, An Education. I suggest you see the film, if you havent already. She was additionally seduced, as a schoolgirl, by an comparison man who bewitched her relatives as majority as he swept her off her feet. He was not what he seemed either, with a mother and family to whom he scuttled behind once the event ended. Unlike the critics, I didnt identical to the film. I thought it glamorised what was essentially utterly a dim story. This man scarcely derailed Lynn Barbers hold up and, for all the glamour, he left her with believe about human deception that done her asocial and old prior to her time (though, on the upside, the experience incited her in to a learned interviewer who sees over appearances).

This kind of event isnt quite black and white. I have girlfriends who desired An Education given it reminded them of identical use of their own. It is not odd for flattering immature girls to be singled out by comparison men and given a ambience of adult life. The girls mostly see behind fondly at the experience. Sometimes it can simply be that an education, and no more. But when it involves abuse of energy and deception, as yours did, the bequest is some-more complex.

So should you do anything about it now? If this man was thirty when you knew him thirty years ago, he is right away at the finish of his training career. If he steady his rapacious poise in the inserted years, you are as well late to stop it. What do you think would occur if you told, say, his head teacher? If the propagandize feels thankful to examine your complaint, could you bear the inspection and the romantic tumble out? Unless you can find alternative women who had the same experience as you and instruct to share it, it is your word opposite his and you contend that not even your own family would await you.

I am certain that a small people will remonstrate with me, but my feeling is that small is to be gained by a open indictment of something that happened thirty years ago, when you were over the age of consent. The actuality that you left it so prolonged weakens your case.

There are alternatives. One is that you confront the man himself. You could hit him and put your on all sides to him, and see what actuality or reparation he competence make. This is presumption that what you instruct is an confirmation of the actuality that he took value of you. There is no pledge that such an confront would furnish a outcome youd like, or that it would concede you to stop meditative about the past and move on. You competence find that the man rejects your perspective of things and points out that you were ideally happy at the time. But it competence give you the compensation of relocating from the on all sides of plant to a some-more adult on all sides of accuser. You would have the healing compensation of being listened with an adult voice.

You contend that you once brought the make a difference up in counselling. I would strongly suggest that, given you patently havent resolved it and it is preoccupying you, you find someone you can trust, who is veteran and objective, and speak it by prior to you confirm to take any serve action.

And I have one alternative recommendation. Success is the majority appropriate revenge. I urge you to aspire to song with all your heart. Stop blaming somebody else for your disaster to rise your talents, and take shortcoming for anticipating a great clergyman who will concentration on your voice or your playing. Music is the majority fluent and the majority healing of the arts, at whatever turn you practice. Singing lessons are improved than care and creation song with others can be a happiness for the rest of your life.

I think additionally that there contingency have been a small happiness in your attribute with this man or you wouldnt have one after another it for so long. Peace of mind competence distortion in acknowledging that the attribute had benefits as well as drawbacks. You were 16. You elite sex to scales. He was thirty. He elite sex to scales, too. Now you are thirty years comparison and some-more mature, and it is time for you to rise your inherited talents and find your loyal voice.

lesley.garner@telegraph.co.uk